Surviving Versus Living

Today is Mami's anniversary of her passing. Today, I am the same age as Mami when she decided to take her life. A date I have been working towards since this blog's inception.

Before I was a survivor.

I'd survive day to day, rationalizing events occurred. I told myself medical services in the 70s were not the same as they are now. No one then knew Spanish. No one really understood what it was she had. The files have all been lost in the abyss of Bellevue. But the reality is I don't have to look too far to see the holes in the health care system.

In the end, it does not really matter. She is now gone and I know I don't have to look too far to know what plagues my family. All I can do is fight for those who still choose live.

While I have always found strength from self-created environments and supportive circles, I now see these groups as a healthy living mechanism. I separate the chaff from the wheat. I love myself enough to take care of myself. I take a bottom up approach. It's an on going project.

I review my life trajectory and see how very different it is from Mami's experience in the States. I see how our achievements differ, how proud of me she would have been, how resilient, resourceful, creative I have become. I do my best to live righteously, lovingly, honestly with all, not too different from the stories I've heard of how Mami was in life.

I feel blessed that even in my darkest hours (and there have been several), I can still see light. I stand firm on not being blind sighted ever again. I proactively move when the time is right. I rest when my body says rest. I sleep when my body says sleep. And I thrive always. I make mistakes and fail, but I make sure to review and not lose the lesson. I am so much stronger for it. I build on those experiences.

I finally feel like love can exists in my life. Her experiences are not mine for I am not her. Life is too short. In fact, love is already here. I just enjoy it when it presents itself. Love comes at just the right time. I receive it and I give it. I make sure to show others how I appreciate their effort, presence, attention and advice, recognizing, I'm not always perfect because perfect is the death of life.

Before I was a survivor.

Today, I move on to living.

The Afterw@rd

P.S. These past couple of years have been interesting to say the least. I would like to thank the following folks for their consistency, caring, and visionary inspiration:

* Rita Project
* Lois Reddick and Gamila Baptiste
* Gino Williams
* The Buckners
* My Community Group
* To all my other friends and family who took time to reach out to me and/or to listen to me when I needed a friend.