A Survivor's Advice - 4/10/07

….So here I sit in an airport waiting to board a flight for my first Suicide Convention. Boy this sounds like fun…doesn’t it? The task I now have @ hand is to somehow summarize my feelings, my past…and my life since both of my parents committed Suicide...my mother in 1985 and my father in 1990. First off, whoever reads this, more than likely, you share the same fate as me. I understand your sorrow, guilt, and maybe even embarrassment, as a growing number of the silent majority of survivors do.

What I have decided to do in this summary…is to admit my mistakes and share them with you in hopes that you will not do the same.

First off…..please, please talk with someone or seek assistance as soon as possible as a loved one has committed suicide, maybe sharing your loss with a close friend… however they might be in as much of a state of shock as you and say things that are so inappropriate…please forgive them. This is new territory for them too.

Try a support group…here in these groups… you will find people who totally understand your feelings. Don’t be like me…It took me twenty years to attend my first meeting.

Also, there are now a lot of great therapists who understand survivors. Seek one out. However, that was not the case 20 years ago. I felt like a rat in a cage when I visited therapists years ago. They would ask “How do you get over suicide of both of your parents?” “What are you doing to deal with these tragedies?” I would answer,”How in the Hell I’m I suppose to know….that is why I am seeing you!” Needless to say..I did not continue to see therapists.

Secondly, and from my own personal experience..seek some type of Spiritual Program and practice forgiveness. It took me years to totally devote myself to my Faith. I guess I am a slow learner! I now have my own strong personal beliefs, but do research and pray…you will find the right program or faith that will serve you best. You will know it when you find it. Trust me on this. The key is to get your feelings out to your God or your higher power….scream, yell, be angry, be scared, be lost, ask why…if you keep these feeling in…..they do not go away. They resurface again and again. Prayer and meditation is very, very beneficial in regards to you starting to feel centered.

As far as my own story goes, a health crisis with my current wife, brought me to my knees…I was totally broken. (My first wife divorced me shortly after my Dad committed suicide but you know what… I was a mess, I was a workaholic and totally numb from the shock of both suicides).

I asked God for assistance….and he answered. At a family week to deal with my wife’s health issue, we conducted a role-play in forgiving someone. To my surprise...God showed up and I forgave my Dad for his suicide. Very emotional event. But you know what, that was 15 years after his death!! Don’t wait that long to forgive your loved one. I have been on a spiritual journey of forgiveness ever since. When you don’t forgive someone and hold resentment towards them, the only person that is harmed is you. Think about it.

The next person I forgave was myself. This is critical. As LaRita Archibald says “There is a big difference between feeling guilty and actually being guilty”. There is nothing you could have done to stop the suicide of your loved one. Get over than one quick.

My third piece of advice is service. Seek out people that are less fortunate than you. It does not have to be related to suicide prevention or support groups….just serve! You will be amazed that it does you just as much good as the persons you are serving. Be thankful and grateful for the Blessings you currently have in your life.

In closing, I am not sure this summary will help anyone, but hey I feel better!! It is OK to be selfish in regards to your recovery….be good to yourself. I can tell you that after 22 years since my Mom’s suicide the pain does eventually subside. However a tragic event like suicide never totally leaves your soul.


Yours truly, a real survivor,
Anonymous