A Thanksgiving Letter

Mark, my friend,

Hi, buddyroo. I'm here in the space between Sharon's death and your
death, the four month countdown. I don't feel it this year, I quit
my shrink. I don't think about you much now, but Thanksgiving is
tomorrow, and I always think about you on Thanksgiving. I miss
Thanksgivings with you, I miss Thanksgivings when our parents were
married and I miss Thanksgivings that were filled with a happy family
feeling. I miss Mom's cooking. I miss you, I miss hanging out in
the kitchen with you frying mashed potato patties by the light over
the stove. I miss sticking our greasy turkey fingers in the cat's
face to feel her tongue. I miss putting olives on our fingertips and
having fights with them. I miss watching you eat three helpings. I
miss Thanksgivings at your house, with the big ugly turkey platter
from our childhood. I miss Sharon and I even miss her cooking, her
Stove Top stuffing. I miss going over to your house and I miss the
kids.

Sometimes when I think of you I remember our last hug, how long it
was, how special it was and I relive it. Sometimes I even imagine us
naked in some sort of cosmic sibling way. I think about how our
bodies were once connected to the same place in Mom's body. I think
about how much you suffered in your body.

John doesn't invite Mom and Dad over for Thanksgiving. They eat
alone. They buy some pre-prepared food at the store and eat that
alone. I don't know which one of the three of them I'm most angry
at. I feel like I have taken your place in the family. Most days I
feel like they're responsible for themselves and the only person I
can make happy is myself. But when I'm around them, I do my best to
bring them some happiness. I know that our time together is short,
and one day there will be one less of us and so on. Sometimes I
think about wanting Mom to die next. I wish you had died last, not
first.

These are tough thoughts, Roo. It's hard to believe that someone as
generous and kind as you could bring this about. I forgive you, I
always have.

If I could have you back for one day, buddy, I'd have you over to my
house for dinner. Just me and you. We'd have drinks and we'd get
all silly and happy and I'd feed you everything you like. Mounds of
it. And I'd hug you again. And I'd make that our last hug, just me
and you, laughing in my kitchen, you being taken care of by me.
Forever.

I love you.

Linda

On this day...

She completed.

On this day, 30 years ago, my mom committed suicide. It continues to amaze me how challenging a time this day can be for me, even after so many years have passed. What occurs and how it occurs can vary, but I always feel an intrinsic difference in me, at this time every year.

The cycle begins.

This year I lost sleep, endured massive headaches, became a consummate workaholic, restless, among other things. My hard-cookie but happy-go-lucky exterior was brittle.

Today, I'm taking stock.

Who am I and how do I define myself? Am I simply a suicide victim's daughter or am I a trailblazer? Do I re-live the past or create and shape the future?

Today, I realize only I can choose.

What will it be, chocolate or vanilla?

I am at cause of what happens now, and now, and now.
I have faith in God. I believe my dreams. I choose to live.

The Afterw@rd

The Afterw@rd: All-Out Commitment

Last April 14, 2007, I attended the survivor's healing conference in New Orleans, LA. It was my first survivor's event. I went alone. I thought if I looked cute, people wouldn't know I was really touched by suicide. I instead was sweating like a pig in a wool suit in 95 degree weather. Needless to say it was hard for me to crack a joke in the Big Easy.

There I learned of The Out of the Darkness walk to take place on June 9, 2007 in good ole' New York City. Now, not to take anything away from easy livin', but NYC was home. This was familiar territory. But I waffled, for weeks. It was compounded by the Virginia Tech incident.

I shared my "I gots" out of the national healing conference with the national community of folks who work with/are survivors. It was powerful. I STILL wear the pin. So why did I even hesitate? Fear. I realized I had to raise money and put myself, my story out there.

However, I made a commitment. To myself, for my family, for other survivors. The Afterw@rd is a stand for courage, healing, forgiveness, and saving lives. It's posted in everything I've done.

I realized, that it's not about me. It's about everyone else who is touched by suicide. So I moved myself out of the picture.

In three weeks, I've single-handedly raised over $3500 for my team, The Afterw@rd-COSIA. Yes, now people know my business, but they also know I mean business.

If you are walking or crewing in New York City for the conference, look me up. I would love to talk to you about an on-going community project called The Afterw@rd. I'll be at Uno's Pizzeria at 6pm, Pier 17, June 9, 2007. I'll be home.

See you at the SPAN conference next, July 18-21, 2007, in Washington, DC!

Keep the submission coming and keep spreading the word...The Afterw@rd.

A Survivor's Advice - 4/10/07

….So here I sit in an airport waiting to board a flight for my first Suicide Convention. Boy this sounds like fun…doesn’t it? The task I now have @ hand is to somehow summarize my feelings, my past…and my life since both of my parents committed Suicide...my mother in 1985 and my father in 1990. First off, whoever reads this, more than likely, you share the same fate as me. I understand your sorrow, guilt, and maybe even embarrassment, as a growing number of the silent majority of survivors do.

What I have decided to do in this summary…is to admit my mistakes and share them with you in hopes that you will not do the same.

First off…..please, please talk with someone or seek assistance as soon as possible as a loved one has committed suicide, maybe sharing your loss with a close friend… however they might be in as much of a state of shock as you and say things that are so inappropriate…please forgive them. This is new territory for them too.

Try a support group…here in these groups… you will find people who totally understand your feelings. Don’t be like me…It took me twenty years to attend my first meeting.

Also, there are now a lot of great therapists who understand survivors. Seek one out. However, that was not the case 20 years ago. I felt like a rat in a cage when I visited therapists years ago. They would ask “How do you get over suicide of both of your parents?” “What are you doing to deal with these tragedies?” I would answer,”How in the Hell I’m I suppose to know….that is why I am seeing you!” Needless to say..I did not continue to see therapists.

Secondly, and from my own personal experience..seek some type of Spiritual Program and practice forgiveness. It took me years to totally devote myself to my Faith. I guess I am a slow learner! I now have my own strong personal beliefs, but do research and pray…you will find the right program or faith that will serve you best. You will know it when you find it. Trust me on this. The key is to get your feelings out to your God or your higher power….scream, yell, be angry, be scared, be lost, ask why…if you keep these feeling in…..they do not go away. They resurface again and again. Prayer and meditation is very, very beneficial in regards to you starting to feel centered.

As far as my own story goes, a health crisis with my current wife, brought me to my knees…I was totally broken. (My first wife divorced me shortly after my Dad committed suicide but you know what… I was a mess, I was a workaholic and totally numb from the shock of both suicides).

I asked God for assistance….and he answered. At a family week to deal with my wife’s health issue, we conducted a role-play in forgiving someone. To my surprise...God showed up and I forgave my Dad for his suicide. Very emotional event. But you know what, that was 15 years after his death!! Don’t wait that long to forgive your loved one. I have been on a spiritual journey of forgiveness ever since. When you don’t forgive someone and hold resentment towards them, the only person that is harmed is you. Think about it.

The next person I forgave was myself. This is critical. As LaRita Archibald says “There is a big difference between feeling guilty and actually being guilty”. There is nothing you could have done to stop the suicide of your loved one. Get over than one quick.

My third piece of advice is service. Seek out people that are less fortunate than you. It does not have to be related to suicide prevention or support groups….just serve! You will be amazed that it does you just as much good as the persons you are serving. Be thankful and grateful for the Blessings you currently have in your life.

In closing, I am not sure this summary will help anyone, but hey I feel better!! It is OK to be selfish in regards to your recovery….be good to yourself. I can tell you that after 22 years since my Mom’s suicide the pain does eventually subside. However a tragic event like suicide never totally leaves your soul.


Yours truly, a real survivor,
Anonymous

Be the Difference, in a Survivor's Life!

Your support and letter submissions have brought me hope for what’s possible with this project. THANK YOU! I am a stand for The Afterw@rd and, if you are reading this, then so are you.

Want to be a part of this? Help break the silence. Encourage 10 survivors to write their Afterw@rd by April 25, 2007!

Spread the Word, The Afterw@rd

What’s The Afterw@rd?
The Afterw@rd is a compilation of letters discussing current events to suicide victims written by their surviving family members, who experienced their loss 5 or more years ago. The intention is for these letters is to form a publishable book that will save lives and touch the lives of the millions of people who have experienced such a loss.

Suicide is often a taboo subject that is rarely, if ever, discussed. The Afterw@rd is a work that focuses on the impacts in a real and tangible way. Through these letters, people will be able to relate to another's story and themselves.

To the many writers, thank you for your courage and for sharing your story.

Help someone find peace. Save a life.

Who should submit a letter?
Anyone who has survived a loss of a loved one to suicide can submit a letter. You are a survivor.

While anyone may submit a letter, and we encourage anyone affected by this topic to do so, now, we are looking for survivors who have experienced a loss 5 or more years ago.

Make a difference. Share your Afterw@rd story.

What should the letter say?
The letters should have a real and active tone. It should be as if you were reconnecting with someone you haven't seen in a while, who you will hope to see again. What has transpired in your life since the passing away of your loved one? What's current in the news that would have triggered a reaction from your loved one?

Tell them. And expect them to receive it.

Tell them how how much you miss them or not. Let them know the impact of their leaving. What have they missed since their departure? What historical things have occurred that they would have found cool to experience had they still been around?

Be raw. Be funny. Be real. Be creative. Tell it like it is. Tell it like it happened. Be in the NOW. Write what you feel. Mean it.

Read a Sample Letter.

How do you submit a letter to The Afterw@rd?
Send submissions to TheAfterward@gmail.com.
Direct submission through http://theafterward.blogspot.com/ is being considered. Check in.

Please be sure to include: (*Required fields)
First name or Pseudonym of departed *
First name or Pseudonym of survivor *
Date/Year of Departure*
Relationship to Departed *
Geographic location (Optional)
Body of Letter *

Be part of the solution. Contribute.

Why submit a letter?
You never know whom you could help. You are not alone and neither are they.

Statisticians conservatively estimate that 6 persons are affected by each suicide committed in the US. Over the last 25 years, that would put the target audience at about 5 million people. But let's be real!

How many people do you alone know? Do you feel me?

We estimate we can touch the lives of over 250 million people just by writing one letter.

The Afterw@rd is a project of healing, acceptance, forgiveness and closure for survivors and a tool for saving those considering suicide when they feel at the end of their rainbows.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Let's live in the possibility of the lives that we can save.

Contact Us:
Send any questions, submission, comments to: TheAfterward@gmail.com
Check in: theafterward.blogspot.com

Feel sad, need to talk?
If you need help or just need to talk to someone, call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK(8255), any time day or night.

Proceeds
Proceeds from this project will go to recognized 501(c)3 tax-exempt organizations that work in the area of suicide prevention.

Support intervention. Save a life.

This community project is an outcome of a course through Landmark Education.