On this day...

She completed.

On this day, 30 years ago, my mom committed suicide. It continues to amaze me how challenging a time this day can be for me, even after so many years have passed. What occurs and how it occurs can vary, but I always feel an intrinsic difference in me, at this time every year.

The cycle begins.

This year I lost sleep, endured massive headaches, became a consummate workaholic, restless, among other things. My hard-cookie but happy-go-lucky exterior was brittle.

Today, I'm taking stock.

Who am I and how do I define myself? Am I simply a suicide victim's daughter or am I a trailblazer? Do I re-live the past or create and shape the future?

Today, I realize only I can choose.

What will it be, chocolate or vanilla?

I am at cause of what happens now, and now, and now.
I have faith in God. I believe my dreams. I choose to live.

The Afterw@rd

The Afterw@rd: All-Out Commitment

Last April 14, 2007, I attended the survivor's healing conference in New Orleans, LA. It was my first survivor's event. I went alone. I thought if I looked cute, people wouldn't know I was really touched by suicide. I instead was sweating like a pig in a wool suit in 95 degree weather. Needless to say it was hard for me to crack a joke in the Big Easy.

There I learned of The Out of the Darkness walk to take place on June 9, 2007 in good ole' New York City. Now, not to take anything away from easy livin', but NYC was home. This was familiar territory. But I waffled, for weeks. It was compounded by the Virginia Tech incident.

I shared my "I gots" out of the national healing conference with the national community of folks who work with/are survivors. It was powerful. I STILL wear the pin. So why did I even hesitate? Fear. I realized I had to raise money and put myself, my story out there.

However, I made a commitment. To myself, for my family, for other survivors. The Afterw@rd is a stand for courage, healing, forgiveness, and saving lives. It's posted in everything I've done.

I realized, that it's not about me. It's about everyone else who is touched by suicide. So I moved myself out of the picture.

In three weeks, I've single-handedly raised over $3500 for my team, The Afterw@rd-COSIA. Yes, now people know my business, but they also know I mean business.

If you are walking or crewing in New York City for the conference, look me up. I would love to talk to you about an on-going community project called The Afterw@rd. I'll be at Uno's Pizzeria at 6pm, Pier 17, June 9, 2007. I'll be home.

See you at the SPAN conference next, July 18-21, 2007, in Washington, DC!

Keep the submission coming and keep spreading the word...The Afterw@rd.